Invisible Ampute

You know, it only looks like they can work. But they can’t. They are missing something it takes to get a job and work.

They lost all self-esteem. It was amputated. They are doing what they can with what they got. You can’t get a job without some self-esteem and they don’t have any at all. They are doing what they can do without it.

That beggar looks perfectly good to work. That’s what we think. But begging is what they can do. So they do it.

Get a job! I’m not giving them one penny.

My sister voice acts, while rummaging for her purse in the back seat. On our way to Bikram Yoga, she finds it, takes out her wallet pulls out two dollars, rolls down the window then wishes the young woman with the sign a good day with it.

You know, I just learned this. I figured it out from a pattern in the suicidal vets I interview.

It’s a pattern. He grew a conscience.  The pain he saw or caused or aided and abetted, wasn’t justified after all. He quite buying into “it was the right thing to do”. I was just following orders, just doing my job, does not cover him anymore.

I killed those people, hurt that man. The right thing to do for America and liberty, I don’t believe it anymore. They are dead. I can’t bring them back. I am that person, a person who can and did do it.

It’s becoming a post-facto murderer, a murderer with a conscience. It’s becoming a monster. It’s taking responsibility. It is a total loss of dignity and self-esteem. It is suddenly discovering “I am a Hitler”.

Sudden, or bit by bit, a feeling of being just like, no different from Hitler, while feeling total disgust for him, is self-esteem apocalypse.  Got a few million people horrendously executed, now you realize it wasn’t for liberty and justice, or to make the world a better place. You weren’t doing your duty ridding your country of monsters, lice, mosquitoes, terrorists, roaches, and child molesters, and making it safe. One or many dying human faces, has the same effect.

No, it was not for a just cause. I killed innocent, men woman and children, for nothing.

It was a mistake.

I did it.

Now where do I go from here? That wouldn’t even be a question.

There is nowhere to go.

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