Knowing how to die, feels good.

So, what do I want to do now? Never really expected to be alive this long. Which doesn’t go well at all, with having always known when I’m going to die. That, and asking to die, and, negotiating my death with God. I don’t know how many seven-year olds do that. Then, there was the time being dragged by the rapids around the bend, into the crushing wall in the Rio Yaqui, when my life passed before my eyes. I’d miss Tuffy, and he would miss me.  I’ll be missed?


Her order broke my surrender. Life quite passing before me.

Her hand, finally after chasing me down after several strained reaches, she just caught my hand where I managed to reach out. the current dominated. and then loosed up just enough for my fingers to take hold of hers and swing me with the current closer to shoure. the last rock before the bend cascades the water through rocks tearing in the shalows that wer to fast to think in. She had run down stream from where she managed to get out, way before me. when she was bossy, I futily obayed, while it felt impossible the whole tim.  I tried, and reached it. Then, it was shaking all over, and feeling tht was to easy to be shaking all over.  We beat death and it was nothing.

Then the time I’d made up my mind to take my self out, just on principle. We said we’d all go down together. But if I was going down of myself, I made up my own damn mind. I’m not taking anyone down with me.  But, God’s law against suicide got in the way this time again. The time before, it hadn’t. I guess it was that child like faith. because I knew I’d be given whatever I asked for, then. But this time, well it’s not like that. The prayers of the wicked are not heard, so I don’t have any of those, options. And all the delight in my prayer being answered that time, the instantaneous comprehension of the purpose of my life, is the light. It leaves when your mind gets dark. which is obviously the case, or I could remember. For sure the devil has me, and I’ll be turned over to the buffetings of Satan, very soon, if I don’t do something. My blood must be atoned. Which is a stupid thing to have to ask Jenny or someone to do. Just becouse she promised to if it came to this. Does’t mean I want her to have to. I’ll just do it myself before she has to try fo figure it out.  I’m gonna figure out how to do it myself. God wasn’t giving me a free suicide out though. And those promises must have vanished when I started sinning against light, cuz all I can see is the curses being fulfilled, that will only spread faster, and get me worse and worse till I actually start to want to fight for my life. And it may infect everyone. Then the whole world will be doomed, or it will be even harder for whoever has to set up the kingdom to accomplish it. Fighting for my life, well, I’m not that darkminded…..yet. So, I’ll do it quick and easy. No one else has to get in trouble, or go to jail over it, or be chased around by the policeand tried, and stuff. I hate that. When You get darkminded, first thing that happens is that you don’t care if you get God’s people in trouble for keeping his commandmonts. Can’t imagine getting tht dumb, but, I’ve seen it happen. I’m not sure how anyone could be so stupid, but that’s what being darkminded does. And I don’t want it to happen to me.

I could dig a whole and put myself in.

But how would I bury myself. So, I’m down in this hole I dug.   Where do I get a shovel? How long with this thing take to dig? Where will I dig it? Is there anywhere on Cerro de la Silla were people never go? How long would it take to get there, and could I do this in one trip or will there have to be more? If it took me a few days of digging, how do I keep all the neighborhood  boys from following me, and finding out what I’m doing. Oh, and I think burying myself alive so that I died, would still be suicide, by burial. Shit.

I could get some one to come, and shoot me. It would really be horrible to have to bury myself alive. Technically, that would be skipping killing, suicideing, and going straight to the burying part. So, I would have buried myself, not killed myself. I read about being buried alive in the Reader’s Digest though, it gave me the worse creeps and I shivered a few times a day, just from imagining it. Didn’t know if that was worse, or being burned alive like Abinidi. and I mean that was a nightmare for weeks. I knew I had to be ready to do or alow what ever God called me to do. Then, when I read about Abinidi the Prophet being burned for  prophisying against the people, and I pretty much know that, that is what is usually going to happen to prophets, like dad, and me, if I wanted to live up to my calling, I’d have to be willing to be burned alive like Abinidi, if that is what it took, and it likely would cuz these are the last days, and it’s prophisied  that it will get even harder than ever, but I can’t think of anything harder that Abinidi through, umm except getting nailed to the cross. Then for several nights I woke up out in my tree house and cachenilla hut and running, running away from being called to give my hands for nails to be pounded into them. Spent some time in the storage room by myself with a hammer and a big shiny nail and a rusty nail, wondering which would hurt worse, and even kinda making a wimpy attempt. remembering how those attempts to see how a nail through the palm felt, so I wouldnt be a friend anymore didn’t add anything to my confidence that I could pull this off. It would be a failure all over again, like so many attempt to see if I was brave enough to take it. I wasn’t brave enough to stab a knife in my stomach. Tried that. I’m not brave. I’d chicken out. I’m my dreams, I finally quite running, and said okay, okay you can burn me or pound nails im my hands if that is what God requires, and I was feeling like it was about to be done, and I didn’t chicken out, or run anymore, and I woke up so relieved that I wasn’t on fire and didn’t have nails in my hands and feet, and moreover, no one was eminently trying to do it. Thankfulness overwhelmed me, I prayed in thanks and then and there decided to be happy that I wasn’t having to do that now, and have fun, allot before I had to go there.

really suck, and I think it would still be considered suicide. None of this is working.

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