We are going. I’m tramping back and forth squealing through the hall and kitchen I’m so happy. It smells bad in here. Something about beans burning. I don’t know what that bad smell is.  Yuck beans. So I don’t care, but it feels all upset in here too. I don’t like it.  I race away through the open door into the front yard. The station wagon we are going in is open. I clamber in. We are going!

The big people are carrying things from the house to the car. I sit in the car waiting for it to start moving. It’s supposed to move. I’m ready to go. I didn’t even need to be carried in here. I wait. No one is sitting in the car with me. I hop out and tramp the long way across the yard to the house then back inside, then because I can’t wait to be going, I walk all the way back to the car and get back in. I want the car to start going. I shout bye bye!

No one answers. I sit there wondering why the car is not moving. Its supposed to move. Looking out the windows is not interesting this way.

I’m bored. People bring more stuff to the car, but no one gets in with me or and we don’t start going.

So I wander back into the house into mom’s room to watch her getting ready.

Then,  I wake up.

It’s quiet.

I have woken up on the road in a car before. This is not that. Maybe we are already there. I look around. I’m in the same boring place.

I’m alone.

I shout mommy.

No one comes.

I cry. No answer.

I wait and wait. No one is going or coming.

I know what to do. I can reach up to one of those things. The door will open and everyone will be at the other side when I open it. I try. Raising my arms my highest I jump crying with frustration, but can’t reach the door opener thing.

That crying gets me what I want stands till I realize it’s not working. After that I cry for comfort. After that I cry because I can’t help it.

I wake up again. This time everything aches, no one is here, my eyes and head pound. I’m wet cold and I can’t climb up onto the bed. It’s too far up. The floor is cold.

The best thing to do is cry. So I cry. The harder I cry the more my head pounds. I notice this. I cry because my head pounds but crying makes it pound more. So, I stop. Stopping makes me want to scream. I try it. I feel like my had will split. Hiccups hurt. I’m too tired to whimper.

I stop and wonder. Why is no one here? I realize it. No one will ever come again. No one cares.

I wake up. It’s dark. Whimpering hurts my head. I will never trust anyone again.

I wake up. Mom is snuggling me. Something is different. I have never had all her attention before. But I don’t trust her.
She sings Sweet Hour of Prayer to God looking right at me. She sings to me looking right at God. God mom and me. I’ve never felt this. I snuggle closer. Maybe I can trust her.

I  get closer by climbing right on top of her belly.

Not up here love. Don’t sit up here. Sit right over here or you might hurt the baby.

I look intently at mom. I won’t get hurt. I won’t fall.

Not you. The baby in here.

The baby is in here. I look at myself. Then look at her pointing.

This baby. In here.

I don’t see any other baby.

You can’t see it yet. It has to come out first.

What baby? Where?

It’s in here. Right here.

I stare and feel confused.

In here there is a baby. You don’t want to sit on it and hurt it do you?

I shake my head then look closer at my mother’s belly and still don’t see any baby.

Get it out.

You can’t get it out. It comes out when it’s ready.

Why not?

It’s not ready yet.

It’s inside you? How does it get out?

A door opens in my stomach and it comes out.

I look all over under her blouse for that door.

What door?

She lifts her blouse. Here. It only opens for babies to come out.

I look for the opener thing. There is no opener.

Does it hurt?


I stare at the smooth skin on my mothers belly. A door. A door here.

How does it open?

I cannot imagine an opening. When my skin cuts open it hurts.

It opens by itself then closes by itself.


I don’t know. It just happens.

The mystery of this completely overwhelms my imagination. I stare at my mothers mysterious belly till she pulls me to her and snuggles me closer next to where the invisible baby is. She glows with delight, and something else I don’t understand but I feel she feels  about me and the baby. That’s when wonder sparks.

I’m a baby. I’m the baby.

Mommy how did the baby get in your tummy? And why are you worshipful about an invisible baby when you already have a baby?

I didn’t know how to ask my mom these questions. I didn’t have the words. The asking grew and grew till it filled my being like mixing baking soda and vinegar. It asked itself. My entire body entwined in wonder. I could feel my mother’s ecstasy, that she loved me and was not replacing me with another baby. What then made her so happy about the baby started to fill my being. I feel what she feels. A whole in the sky with a triangle of light shining out of it between her and a man. They created this big hole in something and drew this baby through it.


She glows with the memory, the knowing. I feel her memories her certainty fills me up. Her memories fill me up with angel song. I’m totally content with my clear and wonderful answer.

So that’s why mom is so happy. I feel her delight and triumph. I can feel the wonderful beaming off of her. We are enraptured.

Mystery solved for baby me.

Mystery still for grown up me .




4 thoughts on “Apology

  1. As children we don’t know what’s going on, but we don’t do much better as adults.
    I’ve been hearing crazy stuff about an election that doesn’t seem to have much to do with what I learned about politics and how those are supposed to go.

    Liked by 1 person

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