My Heart Could Turn This Whole Lake Blue

It’s my cracked dilapidated heart that’s been crumbling for two decades. And it’s about my kids.
Years ago their father permanently spirited my two oldest daughters away to Mexico. They were two and four, then. So, they didn’t get to have a mother.
My youngest daughter is with me, but she isn’t with her father or sisters.
That was after my baby son died. e’s okay. But I was never quite.

And here I was year after year trying to compensate for all the love, attention and things, this, my one kid left, has been missing out on. While at the same time, I’ve consistently missed my exiled daughters. Then, of course, there’s that ache where a baby is suppose to be. That doesn’t improve matters.

It’s twenty years later. My two Mexico girls grew up. Without me.
We got in touch, after all these years. They are okay. However, they’re totally convinced that I abandoned them. So, all the abandonment, loneliness, and other miseries they suffered are totally my fault. Every bit of it. I won’t go into just how totally innocent their father is right now.
For my part. Rather than helping this, my one kid left, to focus on growing strong, overcoming, and going after what she needs and and doesn’t have, I focused on protecting her. So, I am pretty responsible for some of the stuff she blames me for.

So, right now, only my son isn’t pissed at me for Mother’s Day.

Now that I recognize my same-old-crap behavior patterns from my shitty-old-relationship, I notice that my kids are on the same direct course to where I’ve been.
It’s terrifying to witness.
Yet.
Do I regret my life?
No.
They probably won’t regret theirs either.

So why not just be happy?
Now.
Already.