The Natural World-Magical Real-Is-Am

Nature has no name. Where wooed urgency tumbles into a howling excitement, desire, need, while I stare under a green world with the sky falling into me, and into the water below. New water, big fun water.

Fun gets whispered flowing in inaudible waves that catch and play a melody on my inner tuner. At first, they hadn’t been whispering. Suspicious, they changed their minds. Instantly, I sensed subterfuge and started asking questions.
You are too little. You can’t come. It won’t be fun for you.
They must mean my little brother. I can come. I can tell it will be fun for me.
No one helped me, though, so I helped myself. I did what everyone else was doing.

They told me not to come.  I followed them anyway. The pack of them out-ran me fast disappearing far ahead while I am still in the familiar playground of the park in the woods across the street. They leapt like deer one after another into the bushes and disappeared.

They had all been changing into shorts. This was important for some reason. When they said I couldn’t, I proved that I could. I’d gone and done the same. Fishing a pair of shorts, my little brother’s were the first ones I could find, out of the big pile of clean laundry on the couch, where everyone else was getting theirs from. I proudly put them on, without help. I don’t need anyone to help me get dressed, see. Whatever they were going to do, I was coming.

I am wearing shorts I shouted, then screamed after them. My two older sisters, Nicky, she didn’t go to school either, Tosh was old enough to go to school, and Moe, he was already in fourth grade. Then there was my half-brother Ben, and a friend Matt.  Moe and Tosh warned me not to follow them.
Stay here.

We were in the usual park across the street, where I played all the time. They warned me not come into the dangers after them. Danger wasn’t stopping me. My little brother didn’t come. He was the little one they were avoiding and not letting come. Not me, though. I am big enough. I headed straight for the trees were I thought I’d last seen them. My world went silent while I kept on going into the unknown.

I might get lost in here forever. Forever started to happen.
Just shy of forever, an intoxicating siren song of squealing roaring, fun, drifted into the silence or the scream of the endless forest. I could navigate by it, jumping over logs, creeping between trees, crawling under low branches squeezing through scratchy walls of pokey bushes.
They said I couldn’t. But I can.

Renewal, Tree Companion, Cousin Tree, Little Tree

I’m saved from being lost forever, maybe kidnapped by the sight of Ben, Tosh, Nicky, Moe, Trish, and Matt, splashing, laughing squealing shouting tag.
See, I can! I tear up to the edge of the creek shouting.
Surprise, then signs of exasperation turn the air to soup. Every glance up at me, a groan.
You can’t come!
We told you not to!
I’m here! See, I could, too, come. I’m so proud of myself that at first I’m smiling smug, triumphant, standing there, waiting to be accepted, and join the game. The fun stops.

I’m not taking her back, you take her back.
You are the one who couldn’t be quiet.
Well mom told you to take care of the little kids.
You ran too slow.

The nicest of my two big sisters tried to get me to leave back the way I came.
My next sister growled for me to stop ruining all the fun and just go away.
She might get lost, you need to take her back.
She ruins everything. I’m not taking her all the way back.
I’m not going!

Well you can’t swim!
Oh, that is what they are doing-swim. It’s what they were all talking about. That’s what they are doing. I could do that. It looks easy and fun.
I can swim if I want to. You are not my boss!
But you can’t.
Yes I can. I can if I want to.
Tosh splashes Matt and laughs at him. He lunges for her. She is the one who would say get out of here. I expect that.
You’re it!
She turns and tags Nicky. Ben lets Nicky catch up to and tag him, then roars after Moe.
Moe would tag me when he get’s caught, so I’m heading right into the game now. It felt like everyone was just right there, but when I try to join the game, I have to climb straight down a dirt bank as high as I am. I edge up to it and dangle my legs down over the side. It’s scary. But I’m calculating my leap into the water.
No! Moe shouts.
I’m dumbstruck. He is usually sorta nice to me, so him not wanting to play with me hits me where tears are. I start to sob and I can’t stop. Then, all the unfairness of it, the anger of being left out comes up in an epic wave of repressed wails. No one likes me and no one is nice to me fills up my chest with a bursting pain shattering my my body into shaking like I’m crying all over.
Shut up! You are ruining everyone’s fun! Tosh groans.
Ben is still chasing Moe, so he is gone somewhere where I can’t see him. Then he is somewhere else, then somewhere else. He looks at me every time he is somewhere else with a strange face that makes the wailing come harder. Tosh reproaching makes me madder, till I’m screaming uncontrolled at the top of my lungs cuz I don’t know what else to do. I’m almost beat. But I try to slide down and reach the bottom with my feet, but the bottom is water and my feet don’t reach it. I want to jump, but it’s not the ground I’ll land on and it’s high and to scary.
No one will help me, wells up in my chest and erupts in a fresh ear piercing howl of sadness and despair. I see it reflected on their faces.
Someone is gonna find out we are here if she doesn’t be quiet. But, I don’t care. If someone finds out, they will not be so mean, and help me play, too. So, I let my head start to pound with the shouting without letting up.
Matt swims over to the bank were I am. He looks up at me with a different face and says something I can’t hear while I’m screaming my head off.
You want to come swim?
Yes! I stop crying like the sun came out.
You need some help getting in?
Yeah, but no one will help me.
I want to help you.
The soup in the air vanishes, it’s slurped up and a fresh breeze blows through the trees and through the trees in me.
He comes close to the bank and looks up at me. Can you jump? I’ll catch you. His head disappears under water then bobs back up.
Where did you go?
Moe stops and gets caught. She doesn’t know how to swim!
I can to jump! It scars me, but I’ll do it, I’m thinking. But where did Matt just go?
Why do you keep going somewhere?
My feet don’t touch the bottom here. I have to swim to not go down. I can catch you, but if you can’t swim then you might go down and not come back up.
I thought of Moe disappearing then coming up somewhere else. I’d do that.
I’ll do what Moe is doing.
Do you know how to swim?
I think so.
Have you swam before?
No.
Oh, then I better not bring you down here. Your mom would be really mad at me if you went and drown.
What is drown?
It’s when you go down but don’t come back up.

I thought about Moe going down and I wonder about where he is, and wonder and wonder cuz he doesn’t come back up.
But I will come back up. Why wouldn’t I?
Well you have to know how to do it. If you never did it before, you don’t know how and you will go down and not know how to come back up.
Oh.
If that happened, you mom would be real sad. She would never see you again.
My mom would be sad if I were to go down and never come up?
The idea struck me. Mom would be sad if I went down and didn’t come back up?
Are you sure she would be sad?
Yes, I’m sure. She would be so sad and real mad at me.
The idea felt like a miracle bloom. I’d never even Imagined mom would be sad if I never came back.
Oh, and I sat down at the edge of the drop off, happily watching my family wade and swim, totally content that mom would be sad if I drowned.
A deep contented satisfaction filled my chest growing till it moves outside of me all around me filling the creek and the water. Watching everyone who would take me across the water but didn’t do it so I wouldn’t go down and not ever come back up, and that mom would be sad if that happened to me and she never saw me again, felt fine. It was nice. Since they couldn’t carry me across but wanted to, that means they did want me playing with them. And all we needed was a bridge.
Bliss erupted! Out of it shot a bridge. A bridge appeared right in the middle of the swimming hole. I leap onto it run across like a deer hop off then splash into the shallows on the gravely beach on the other side. I feel myself swimming, laughing in a paradise of cool water like the creek over near the park, but lots more and fun, and I dip and duck under and splash my sisters.
A deafening sound blows me off my balance, turning my mind blank. I don’t know what happened. When I open my eyes everyone stopped playing and stared shocked out of their minds. I look up at the difference everyone is staring at.
The tree that had been to my right and just behing me, lay right across the middle of the pool.
Blinking, I stare at it. Then follow the length with my eyes. It goes to the other side where feeling like I’m playing.
Oh! My bridge! Yay! I think, leaping up onto it and skip like a deer to the other side, hop off, and dash to the water.
Wow, you are brave. Ben stares at me with a face I don’t understand. I wouldn’t have gone anywhere close to that thing. It almost landed on us.
Why? It’s all right. It’s my bridge!
I am four.

Daily Prompt:  The Natural World

No Longer A Mere Mortal? – You’re Dead

natura morta
natura morta (Photo credit: Circolo d’Arti)

Become immortal
Drink it

Tried that last time
Oops I died

wpid-1352567483927.jpg Delightful Solitude, Waywardspirit,

Game over
Re-group
Re-design
My Earth-Game-Plan
Gather more supplies
Wait for the team
Return

Start over

Damn
My character falls
For it

Hoping like hell
I won’t have fell
This time
Messing up my glorious
Virtual-reality-
Multi-player-adventure-game
Again

Still mortal?
Yes!

Onward!
Fun
To
Quest Complete!


“You’ve imbibed a special potion that makes you immortal.
Now that you’ve got forever, what changes will you make in your life?
How will you live life differently, knowing you’ll always be around to be accountable for your actions?”

Daily Prompt: No Longer A Mere Mortal

 

Does Life Give You A Choice?

Hardness or Harness -A Poem

My passion  she –
She chose her Way
My now
My choice
How to
Not
Or feel
Today

   ***

Family-Waywardspirit Art

Hardness or Harness-A story

My baby might not live she whispers; hollow calm lands on my stunned disbelief.

I’m staring at nothing, holding my breath mind goes blank. It’s about the phone. How did I get a call here?

This is a clinic. I’m at a clinic for my pre-natal. No one is that interested in my baby or my check up. It’s just us now. Who would call here for me or care how my check up went? When I walked out of the exam room, The nurse blankly informs me I have a phone call. Before I can protest, some confusion, she qualifies.

You are Jessica LeBaron right?

I nod.

She leads me to the front desk. Confused shock has me when the receptionist staring at the file cabinet hands me the phone.

I’m bewildered.

I didn’t give anyone this number.

Shock didn’t know which to choose, Eva’s unexpected voice and those words. What do they mean? How did I get any call at a midwives’ office.

Eva knows I would be at a clinic on Ben White. That’s it. She is seeing her doctor today too. We were going to talk about our maternity checkups when we got home.  Our random appointments ended up being on the same day. This serendipity delights us. Not as much as finding our we are due within the same two weeks though. We thought of riding together to our appointments, but it hadn’t worked out. Our appointments were at almost the same time like our babies, at opposite ends of town.

We were room mates after I got separated, till she got married. We are best friends. We are having babies together. We are excited. We both laugh a lot-till now.

I lose control of my jaw.

Did you hear what I said: My baby isn’t going to live.

She is quiet till I grasp and gasp.

Oh, Eva! I whisper into the receiver.

My baby is not going to live, she repeats with stunned emotion.

Oh. All I can do is sigh.

I’m calling you first because I know you would understand. Would you come over?

Yes, I’ll be right over. I’ll be right there.

Okay, then.

We hang up.

I turn around and rush back to the midwife.

Please help me! My throat clenches tears in my eyes. My friend. She just found out her baby may not live. What do I do? How do I help her?

I don’t feel like I can do her any good.

They tell me how to just be there, to listen and allow her to grieve. I can help then, I figure.

We were going to meet at my apartment. But I go to hers, now. She is on the couch wrapped up in her arms staring into space. She turns and stares at me. Just stares. We stare at each other. The emotional territory was to expansive and explosive to enter. Everything is numb and blank and hurt.

I’m going to a specialist for another sonogram. The doctor is sure of what he sees, or doesn’t see, but he sent me to a specialist. I can’t believe he knows what he is talking about.

I need to calm down.  I need to call mom and dad. I still have to tell Jon. How do I tell Jon? I can’t tell Jon!

Jon is out-of-town for another few weeks on in-between job training for the new one. Eva’s parents live in Arizona. She asked me to come. We go to the second appointment together. It’s scheduled around my classes. It was the quickest appointment she could get. Either way I was going.

Five happy moms smile contented almost cooing rubbing their bellies or reading baby magazines in the  comfortable deep cushions of the waiting room. I try to do none of those things. We only glance at each other, hoping not to convey despair to the blessed. We don’t talk or leaf through baby magazines or act blessed however. We fidget till we are called back into the brightly lit sonogram room.

The sonogram technician had a softness about her gentle way. Eva lies on the table. I sit in the chair next to her. After she introduces herself and settles Eva she squeezes warmed gel into Eva’s hand then waits for her to rub it around her belly with hopeful stokes. Eva wanted to apply it herself. She places the ultra sound device on Eva’s belly. We all turn to the screen.

First we hear it. A familiar heartbeat. Everything good and normal so far! Eva sighs, fights back tears, stays calm.

We follow the image watching intently as the tech labels and describes the sonogram in a matter of fact way.

The amniotic fluid is very low. There is almost none.

This is the heart here. It’s located on the right side.

Here are the lungs. They under-developed.

Kidneys should be here. Pause.

All of this could be good or at least okay or remedial, we are hoping. We look at each other with another flashing spark of hope. Get some synthetic amniotic fluid inject it, no problem, or something like that.

So what is the problem then? So everything is really okay?!

Well, kidneys are not visible.

What does that mean?

I assume she will just keep on looking till she finds them.

I am not finding kidneys.

What does that mean?

Kidneys manufacture and filter the amniotic fluid.  The amniotic fluid gets breathed into the lungs. It is how lungs develop. There is not enough amniotic fluid to develop the lungs. Kidneys are not producing it. There is only one and it is small.

Can that be fixed? Can one be added or something? I could give one.

Even if we could fix that. This shows that the heart is on the right side instead of the left.

Lungs this small won’t catch up in time to breathe at birth, or ever.

Eva whimpers and hides her face.

This small kidney here. Too small to filter enough blood. No kidney visible here…

Stop stop!  Stop it! Please stop telling me wrong things about my baby! Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me anymore. She breaks down sobbing shaking, just contained urgent wailing trapped in her not catching her breath.

Tech leans forward pats her and lets her cry.

I understand how hard this is for you. I am sorry.

When she recovers her voice after a while, the tech asked if we were ready to see what the doctor had to say. She Tech led us to the waiting doctor.

His gentleness let her fall apart, again.

She wept then cried out: Why? Why did this happen?

There is no reason. No cause that we know of.

So this just happened to my baby for no reason? She demands.

I’m sorry there is nothing I can do to make this easier, but yes. It’s sad that someone like you who really wants a baby doesn’t get one when I’ve seen babies survive a whole bottle of Drain-O, just fine.

We look at each other horrified.. How could someone not want a baby?

We know the stories, yet we are incredulous. Unfairness is deep.

When you are ready, we can talk about what you want to do next. Come back as soon as you are ready to consider what course of action you want to take.

This is a great loss for you. You and your husband must have been very excited about the arrival of your first child. Take a day. Come back in a day or two. After you talk to your husband, to discuss what you want to do. Be back within two days, I’ll see you whenever you come. He soft smiled warm reassurance then he got up and left.

Like what? What we can do, didn’t hit us till we got home.

Next appointment is about risks and options.

Should I go full term or terminate and start the healing process?

The child can’t breath. It will never breath. It won’t ever function or live. It will suffocate as soon as it’s born, if it doesn’t die during the stress of birth or even before then. It could die at any time.

You could decide to carry to term. If you decide to go full term you need to be seen every week in case the fetus expires and labor doesn’t start. That could  lead to blood poisoning, a risk. Otherwise, you can go into labor at any time. There is no way to predict an outcome.

Then in the middle of bewildered not, letting go while not wanting to hold on, or prolong anguish, and wondering, he drops another bomb:

If you are going to choose to end it, he pauses with a sigh of frustration, you have three days to decide. In three days third trimester, anti-abortion laws come into effect. If you don’t choose to terminate in the next three days, after the three days, we can no longer assist you in termination. You must either go into labor, or your life be in danger for the pregnancy to be terminated.

I have to decide now?

You must decide, if you want to take action, yes, within three days. After that there is nothing we can do. Our hands are tied. The law is clear. No exceptions. No third trimester procedures. Third trimester starts in three days.

We sit on her couch staring into space and crying. Her crying makes me cry. I feel the loss of my son all over, plus her loss. By heart about bursts. It has been five years, but when I found out in the middle of getting divorced that I was pregnant, I considered not going through with it, just to be responsible to myself.

I’m in the middle of school with two kids to keep and figure out how to support without a partner. I’m still not able to describe what is going on, but the idea of losing  a baby on accident or on purpose both add up the same in my feelings. The idea of adopting my baby out to someone else is unthinkable. We may have no stable future, but in the world I exist in now, I have no other choice. In about a week I love the baby as I knew I would. It would be stupid for me to put my heart up for adoption, or to end the relationship. Even if it’s not responsible to have a child without support, I surrender to being a single mother and feeling happy with Eva.

Now this.

Her parents arrive. I go back to school grieving indignant, and remembering.

While I volunteered for Campus Crusade for Christ and attended the meetings that rallied Christians and got Bush elected in the early nineties I was into the anti-abortion campaign, especially no third trimester abortions. Now something is happening. It’s not black and white anymore.

I can’t just not be pregnant anymore just like that Eva steady wails!  The kids at school…the other teachers..the girls they pat my tummy lined up on the way out of class.

If someone asks me if it’s a boy or a girl when I get back I don’t know what I’ll do. Everyone will ask.

Have you got a name yet Miss?

How are you Miss?

How is that baby?

I couldn’t keep explaining there is no baby, her voice cracks, for another three months…but it will be right here…

For  three more months. I couldn’t work this way. I couldn’t explain it either. I will just bust out crying, for the next three months. I couldn’t work this way. I’d just be knowing the baby is not going to live or already dead. I don’t know what to do!

I could stay home and be with the baby. It’s to soon to make this choice. I wish Jon could come back and be here. He can’t take off till the end of the week. We have till tomorrow to decide.

Now, I’m in this government class writing a paper about laws. I have allot to say about how stupid this anti-abortion law is. It’s taking Eva to a whole new level of misery, like insult on injury.

My government teacher read only my outrage essays to the class while I skipped it. I went to the hospital with Eva to celebrate the sacred death and birth of her son. Jon couldn’t get back in time. The law couldn’t wait.

We were into our babies.

If she had not been into her baby there would be noting to cry about.

Abortion is like a break up with the baby when this relationship just isn’t working both ways, before you marry…When I’m just not into you.

A shaman woman I know, went into a sacred meditation to talk to the child when she discovered their relationship. She talked to it and listened. She acknowledged their relationship.

I’m thankful you like me she told him. It was a boy. You chose me to be your mother. So I am. Yet, it’s not a good time for me to be in this relationship. Would you try again later?

She got a “sure”.
Next day she started bleeding and thanked her child for honoring her choice.

Wonderful woman I know made their choices to not be mothers when they were not ready. That choice did not include being an oven to bake a child for nine months then give it to someone else.

The adoption choice works good for some people, which is cool.

Pregnancy in the 26th week.
Pregnancy in the 26th week. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Me? No way is my body gonna be forced to make a lonely baby whom I’m not attached to. No way would I choose to be sick for months, throw up constantly, gain forty lbs, go through labor delivery blood spouting major surgery that takes weeks to recover from, while everyone is wondering, family asking as I’m to wiped out to take care of myself, with no support just to give some one a baby for free.

Pretty dumb all around, if you ask me.

There is nothing wrong with adopting out. I’m personally not into it-at all.

It’s defiantly not the only valid response to birth-control malfunctions. There are as innumerable appropriate valid responses to unplanned pregnancy. As many as there are woman and situations.

The relationship between mother and child is what it is to me. I am in or I’m not. Just like any other relationship.

I can break up. A possible child need not force me.

Babies don’t force me to become their mother. Nor does a baby need to endure a horrible non-wanted toxic environment. It’s a crappy co-dependent relationship that way.

I choose if I want to invite a spirit into a body with my body, into my life. I choose if I want to help someone else by baking a baby for them. I am a free woman. I have lots of choices! Perhaps unborn spirits have choices we don’t know about.
Wouldn’t put it past them. I bet, babies would choose to be happy and mom be happy, too.

Or maybe babies are the selfish assholes?

Baby
Baby (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Turn Turn Turn

Passion Wants You! Surrender  It Comes Out

The Seasons

Turn

Life morphs her form

Season reasons

Moon cycles burn

Creative season Springs

Work zodiacs then learns

 Favorite season creates

Contemplation Falls on me

Play dances us away

Random Harvests time

Dark Night of Winter’s Soul

Summer is Winter riding low

Two weeks vacation sweetens

Two month’s fruit

Then, forced a Season

English: Lunar libration. see below for more d...
English: Lunar libration. see below for more descriptions Français : Librations de la lune. Voir une description détaillée en dessous. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Daily Post

Daily Prompt:

Turn Turn Turn

http://wp.me/p23sd-4xW

Most Prized Possession-My Own Attention

Lost

My Attention

Riot of peace

Currency to pay

My best companion

Fountain of joy

The Observer

Gone away

Kidnapped

Wafted off like smell

Forgotten-what are you?

Wooed away

Trapped

Stuck

Wrapped up by emotions

Squeezed out my mind

wpid-1349802722437.jpg

Daily Post

Daily Prompt:

Most Prized Possession:

http://wp.me/p23sd-4sr

National Poetry Writing Month

NaPoWriMo:

http://www.napowrimo.net/

Third From The Top

SAMSUNGWe shouldn’t be best friends

Doesn’t change

In the realm were we are still

Written, unwritten letters

Advice you would give me

It’s “you said”, not “he said”

Because I talk to you

Tipping his head, your  head

Back against the mattress

To look up at me

Feels the same remembered

We are not friends anymore

And always best friends

***

Daily Post

Daily Prompt: http://wp.me/p23sd-4tQ

Third from the top: The Size of Life:

Post: Story Try This: “We shouldn’t be best friends,” he said, tipping his head back against the mattress to look up at me.

 

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